I can't believe I'm back.. Back home in Cali with my man. My other home I mean. A girl should be so lucky to have two homes. One back in Sweden and one here in California with my man. My man. My love! My other half!

To think I almost didn't make it back.. I was ready to kill myself then and there.

So this is what happened.. I arrive to the airport in Stockholm around 5 am September 23. All my bags are packed, I have my passport and all my papers. I walk up to the check in desk. The woman takes my passport and starts checking me in on the flight to London. She asks me to put my bag up so she can mark it. She asks me if I want an aisle seat or a window seat. Everything is fine up until the point where she's about to print my ticket.. Or my boarding pass. It won't print. She starts all over again, giving me a nervous smile to calm me down. Again, it's not working. My body is in a paralyzed state of mind but I'm trying to stay calm. She asks me to take my bag and go over to the service desk, that they would help me. Not knowing what was wrong, I grabbed my bag and ran over there.

Again, they are trying to print my ticket and it's not working. Now I start to feel the panic so I ask the woman what is going on?! She tells me that they can see that I'm booked on the flight and that its paid for but they can't seem to find my ticket. (HOW CRAZY!!!!!) Anyways.. This woman ends up calling the main office for British airways in London, asking them what to do. The woman is on the phone with the man in London for about an hour. They are trying to fix my problem. Not able to do anything, the man in London says that he would put me on the plane anyways since I actually had a paid trip and since something must be wrong with their computer system. She agrees and they allow me to fly from Stockholm to London, telling me that I have to see people in London regarding the rest of my trip. 

As I land in London, I have no idea if I should look for my bag or look for a service desk to get helped. I end up asking for help and everybody I ask, just send me to someone else. Everybody keep telling me "Don't worry.. They will help you over there..". I felt like God was really testing my nerves that day. All I wanted was to break down and cry. This stress and this awful feeling of knowing that I might not get to see my man was killing me.

Anyways.. I finally reached the American Airlines desk where the lady started to check me in. Again, everything seems fine and I think to myself "oh, God.. Please let everything be ok this time." Again, I'm asked if I want a window seat or an aisle.. She puts all the information into the computer and presses "print boarding pass" and then.. Nothing. She says "That's odd!?" And tells me that the boarding pass won't print. She asks me to hold on while she walks over to her collegue who sits a few windows down from her. They start looking at my papers and comparing them to their computer screen. The people behind me look at me like I'm some kind of criminal or something.. And I just want the ground to open up so I can fall down and die. 

The lady comes back like 20 minutes later telling me the same thing I heard in Stockholm. That they can see that I'm booked on the flight between London and LA but that they can't seem to print my boarding pass. Nobody knows why this happened but somehow it did. She went back to the collegue and the two of them ended up calling down the manager and some other people. All in all, there were SIX people working on getting my boarding pass printed/understanding why this problem occurred in the first place. As for myself, I'm completely drained out and my body is entering some sort of zombie state where I just want everything to be over with so I can breathe again. 

The lady comes back, apologizing and telling me that they are working on it. Telling me that I did nothing wrong. I was there on time. I had all my stuff with me and that I did exactly what I was supposed to do. She tells me that it seems as though the computer system had messed something up but that it wasn't my fault and that I couldn't be punished for it. 

She told me that they would need some more time to figure things out but that they would so everything to get me on that flight. 

I'm thinking to myself that I am so lucky I had these five hours in between my flights and that I am so lucky that these people are actually working hard to get me on the flight. There is nothing better than when people actually do their job and make an effort so that you feel as though they are there for you! They could have just told me "sorry, there's nothing we can do" and made me buy a new ticket or something. But they didn't. About 2.5h after I landed in London, they had managed to get me on the flight. I got my boarding pass and I just wanted to cry. Happy tears of course!! I felt like I could kiss that woman and all her staff working on my issue. I was so happy and relieved. 

2 hours later, I was boarding my plane and 11.5 hours of flying brought me from London to LA. I spent 2 hours trying to get through customs and then.. Finally I could run back into his arms. That was the best hug I could ever get!

(the pic in this post is taken the same night I came back. after all the drama with the freaking tickets and after all that flying. I look all worn out and crappy but at least I'm happy. And with him! <3 )

Oh my god.. I can't believe I haven't written anything in so long. I was always so passionate about this whole writing thing. Even though most of what I would write here would just be a way to vent, I still enjoyed doing it. Anyways.. What has happened since my last post?

Well.. My man came to Sweden and stayed for a month. Seeing him at the airport as he got off the plane, running into his arms and kissing him, was the best and most intense feeling I've ever had in my life. I wish I could find the proper words to describe it but its just impossible. I guess that if you've ever been away from somebody that you love with every breath you take, and then seeing them again after all that time.. That feeling.. That incredible feeling! 

After a few days on Swedish ground, he managed to get over his jet lag and we managed to actually leave our love nest and socialize with the world again. On sunny days we tried to spend as much time outdoors as possible. We went on long walks, we enjoyed the Swedish nature and I tried to show him some of the places where I grew up, went to school or worked. At nights we would snuggle up in the couch with some good wine, taking us through all THREE seasons of Game of thrones.. Plus tons of movies. The best part was knowing that I could fall asleep in his arms, and in the morning when I woke up, he would still be there! My man! The best freaking man!! And of course, waking up with him every morning is just like waking up at Christmas! I'm happy and excited! Blessed and grateful! Not only do I get to wake up with him but we also have another amazing day ahead of us to enjoy each other and the joy of being together! What more could I ask for?

I took him on road trips. To the north, to the middle and to the south. And even though my city isn't even close to Stockholm's beauty, I know he appreciated it as much here as he did in Stockholm. We had so many beautiful moments and we made so many beautiful memories! 

On top of that, I got to see one of my dearest friends getting married to her man. Me and my man, got to see her and her man! Oh god, LOVE was everywhere that beautiful day and even though we had some misfortunes, I will always remember the beautiful parts from that day. 

I did my best to keep the tears away that whole day. Right after the wedding though, we had to hit the road again. We had about 4-5 hours on the road to look forward to. I had to drive straight from the wedding to the airport in Stockholm. As we finally got there, we sat and held each other and as soon as I saw the green letters on the screen, telling him to 'go to gate', I couldn't hold those freaking tears back anymore. It was like opening a kitchen faucet. I didn't want him to go. I didn't wanna see him leave. 

Coming home, where everything smelled just like him, where every inch of my house reminded me of him, yet knowing he's not here anymore, broke my heart. Over and over again. It was so awful. I felt so empty. I put on one of his T-shirts and I crawled up in our bed. I was exhausted from all the driving and I just fell apart. I couldn't stop crying. It's sad to think about those awful moments without him. Moments that are causing me so much pain. Actual physical pain. It feels like my heart is being cut out of my chest in the most brutal way! God, I never wanna feel that pain ever again!

That month just flew by so fast.. But we had fun, we made memories, we had good beer and wine and cozy nights at the sauna and snuggly nights on the couch and miles and miles on the road.. And every second with him was A M A Z I N G!!

Now we are 8 days apart. In just 8 days I'll be back in LA and back in his arms. I can't wait! 

  9 days until this AMAZING man of mine is finally here with me. 

do I even have to explain why I love him?

..didn't think so.

I have been a huge westlife fan for as long as I can remember. nowadays whenever I hear a westlife song, I picture myself slow dancing to it with the love of my life. I picture us laying in bed and just cuddling to it. god, that man of mine.. I can't get over the fact how amazing life became as soon as he walked into it. 

what did I do all this time without him? 

now we're 16 days apart. 16 days and then I'll finally get to hug him, smell him, kiss him.. I can't wait. it's hard, being away from someone you love. it's hart because your heart is breaking more and more for each day that goes by. they say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. I don't know if I agree or not. I mean.. the fact that we've been away from each other for more than two months has for sure made us appreciate each other more and it has made us realize how strong our love is.. but I don't know if the distance itself made me love him more. the distance is just a piece of crap that gives heartache and that makes me cry more than I have ever cried in my whole entire life. but loving him is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

here we go.. this is when I open up my heart and soul and pour it all out there. for the first time since I ever started this blog that I will reveal a piece of me that makes me feel so naked. a piece that's so deep within me but hurts more than anything..

I was cynycal before I met him. eternal love was not something I was looking for. I had had my heart broken so many times before him that I simply gave up. the most important man in my life, the one who was supposed to be there forever and always, the man who carried me on his shoulders as a little girl, my dad.. walked out. simply decided that his wife and his kids were not something he wanted to spend his life with. he just walked out. he let me down. he burned me so bad that I had major issues with men my whole entire life. I was fortunated to get an amazing mom who would be mom and dad. who would do everything she ever could to make our lives better. but my dad didn't care. my dad gave up everything. every milestone in my life he missed. every birthday, every graduation, every christmas. he missed my prom, my driving license. he missed every single part of my life - because he chose to. 

 me and my dad, circa 1991.

I was so scared to give my heart to a man and have that man do just like my dad and walk out. it happened though.. more than once. and every time it happened, I would get another scar on my heart. I would drift further and further away from whatever love was supposed to be. I found joy in travels and meeting people from all over the world. I found joy in partying my ass off and I found joy in being all careless. and when he walked into my life I wasn't looking for anything serious. I thought we'd just be friends with.. benefits. I thought we might have a little fling but never in my wildest dreams did I picture us be where we are today. the reason was not that because of him, the reason was me. I had, like I just said, given up. I thought that it just wasn't my thing.. to find someone and settle down. I thought that since I put myself out there and had my heart broken so many times, that it was a sign from above - telling me to find something else. telling me that love was just not for me. and then he walked into my life..

and I tried to pretend for so long. tried to shut down every feeling that would ever occur when I was with him. I didn't want to let him in. I wanted to be in this grey area with him.. where everything is just blurry. where we would have fun together but not get attached. not hurt each other. but it turned out to be impossible. every time I was with him, he would blow my mind. he would be so kind and so patient. he would never force himself on me or make me feel uncomfortable. he would always be there, with this amazing smile on his face, and make me feel calm. everything with him always felt easy, natural. no matter what it was. holding his had was the easiest hand to hold. kiss his lips were the easiest lips to kiss. just look him in the eyes and feel safe was the easiest thing in the world. I never felt this way about anybody in my whole entire life. I never loved anybody as much as I love him. and I know I never will. he has just taken me to a place I didn't even believe existed. he showed me that there are good hearts out there. he showed me love like no one has ever done before. he is a dream come true. he is my happy place. he is my best friend. he is the person I trust with my whole heart. he is the love of my life. always. ♥

thank you for being the man I always dreamed about but thought I'd never find. thank you for bringing me back to life and for loving me as much as you do. 

waiting. waiting. waiting. 

34 days left until I get to see my man again. 34 days until that first airport kiss that is going to be so full of love and yeah, a bit of salt from all those happy tears that will stream down my face the second I see him walk through the doors. keep telling myself that 34 days are nothing. yeah. 

I don't know how to express my love for him. words are not enough and I mean.. it's kinda hard to express love in any other way than words when you are miles and miles away. I just can't wait to have him here. to have his arms around me again. to feel his kisses all over my body. to be able to fall asleep in his arms and wake up with my head on his chest. 

the other night when I was going to bed, I was looking at that empty side where he would sleep if we were in the same bed. and it felt so empty. I was laying there like a lovesick crazy woman, listening to lovesongs by westlife and crying over my empty bed. crying over the fact that the man I love more than life itself was not there with me.

well, for me it's waking up beside you, to watch the sun rise on your face. to know that I can say I love you, in any given time or place. it's little things that only I know - those are the things that make you mine. and it's like flying without wings, cause you're my special thing, I'm flying without wings.

and you're the place my life begins, and you'll be where it ends. I'm flying without wings. and that's the joy you bring, I'm flying without wings. ♥

it's true what they say. heaven's got a plan for you. for everybody. heaven's plan for me was apparently to move to california and meet the love of my life. he is the first and only man in my life who has showed me real love. he is the only man in my life who ever made me feel so happy and loved. he is so precious to me. there are no words that will ever be able to explain my love for him. 

thank you for walking into my life when I least expected you to, but when I needed you the most. thank you for being the amazing man you are, and for making me want to be a better person. thank you for all the beautiful memories you have given me so far. thank you for all your kisses and for those hugs that only you can give. the best hugs in the world. thank you for all the love you have for me. for all the love that you show me - every day. you make me so happy. I'm so proud to have a man like you. a real man. ♥

it's hard - being without him. and every day I try to see- not as another day without him, but as a day closer to seeing him again. and july 30th I'll finally get to be with him again. I can't wait for him to get over here. I can't wait to drive to the airport to pick him up. I can't wait for him to see sweden. by now I've pretty much seen all of his places back in cali. I've seen where he grew up and what schools he went to and where he played as a kid and stuff like that. his memories that he so beautifully shared with me. I can't wait to share my memories with him. to show him where I went to school and college and where I used to work and where me and my friends would meet for coffee and girltalk. I can't wait to make new memories with him. 

I've almost been home for a month now. a month without him. and it hasn't been an easy one. it's acutally been one of the hardest months I've ever had. but with skype we at least manage to fall asleep 'with each other'. just a simple thing like going to bed without him is just breaking my heart. but we are dealing with it in the best way we can. 

54 more days. 54, that's all. that's all I need to get through until he is here. 54 days until I get to hold his hand again and see him smile and hear him laugh and kiss his lips and his neck and fall asleep in his arms. 54.. 

and the summer with him is going to be amazing. not only will he see all my favorite places here but we are planning a roadtrip towards the end of his stay. he needs to see stockholm. he needs to see the beauty that sweden has to offer. and except for the roadtrip we are attending a wedding. one of my closest friends is getting married to the love of her life. and I get to attend the wedding - with the love of my life. I get to hold his hand and be proud to have him there with me. god, I'm so excited! and happy and in love! 54 days without him is nothing compared to a whole life with him. ♥

I am so blessed to have so many amazing friends. Who care and offer their shoulder to cry on. Who offer me hugs and love to make it through these months when I'm away from my american boy.

I know I haven't been the best of friends lately. I know it may seem like I don't care or like I'm not grateful for everything you all do for me. It's just that.. I'm going through a lot of things right now. A lot of emotions and a lot of sleepless nights where I can't stop crying because I feel lost without him by my side. I know that eventually I'll be back to normal but I need time. I need to heal and to land on my feet again. But until I do.. I'm sorry for my lack of contact. I'm sorry I don't have much to say or ask. I'm sorry that I may come off as rude or unappreciative - I'm everything but that. I love and appreciate all of you and everything you do for me. Just understand that the path I'm walking on right now is very rough and I just need some time.. That's all.

I am deeply touched by all your nice gestures and I love and appreciate every single one of you. All day, every day! Never forget that!

..is breaking my heart. I hate every minute without you. Every second feels like an eternity. Saying goodbye to you was the hardest goodbye I ever had to say in my whole entire life. I know it's 'just' for 4 months but still. You not only own my heart but you've crawled underneath my skin and I just can't stand being without you.

Can't believe I'm home for the first time in almost 2 years. Everything looks the same but feels different. I have no desire to see anybody right now. I barely wanna get out of bed. I just wanna lay there and wait for 4 months to pass. I feel like I'm dying inside - like my heart is literally breaking, just by being away from you. I hate sleeping without you. I hate waking up without you. I hate everything without you!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I had more tears to cry, believe me I would. I would cry not a river but a whole fucking ocean of tears if I knew that it would bring me back to you. And I know I should enjoy this time, being home and seeing old friends and family but right now I'm horrible company. All I do is stare at the wall, waiting for the days to pass. I don't feel like making conversations. I don't feel like telling people how I feel. I just wanna be with you! If you were here I'd be the happiest girl in the world. If I could hold your hand and kiss your lips and fall asleep with your arms around me and wake up with your arms still around me, and if I could spend all my days and nights with you, that would make me happy. That would make me wanna live forever - but not even forever would be enough time with you. Somehow it seems like we never have enough time together. It's always something that has to come in between. Either work or school or people or stupid crap like my visa..

Why is it so much to ask.. To just be with you and be happy?We're not hurting anybody. We are not making public scenes or do something wrong.. We are just very much in love and wanna be together. Why is that so much to ask for? I really don't get it. Fuck everything!!! Life is just a fucking misery without you. Every fucking second without you is a fucking misery.